All the World’s a Stage

William Shakespeare said all the world was a stage and the people in it actors, but I think that some people are more like characters. Some of them who arrived at the emergency department were called “frequent flyers.” They were the repeat visitors; some come as drug seekers, some were actually sick, while others wanted to be the center of interest, even for a few hours, then there were those who were just lonely.

We had a married couple who didn’t quite fall into any of these categories, but straddled several. They came close to being frequent flyers. I think they came just because they could come to the hospital and not have to pay for it. We named them Prince Charles and Princess Dianna. Charles and Dianna were their real names.

The closest thing to having a royal escort occurred when Charles came in by ambulance one night accompanied by medical attendants. Charles and Dianna carried the “gold card.”  Pennsylvania public assistance cards were yellow. You’ve heard the commercial, “It’s the gold card, don’t leave home without it” and this couple never did.

Before anybody complains about my comment, I just want to say, there are people who are unable to work due to a disability and SHOULD have assistance. But there are those people who are able bodied and intelligent who should NOT be eligible for those benefits.

I feel that Charles was one of the latter. He was intelligent and if he can have sex, he’s able bodied enough to find a job. At an earlier visit he told me while he was in the triage area, ‘I was teaching the old lady how to play chess tonight before we came in.” He has to have some smarts to play chess, right.

So, let me get back to the story. Charles was brought in by ambulance. As he was moved onto our bed, I noticed that under him was one of the dirtiest, filthiest, and stained sheets that I’ve ever seen or ever hope to see and he was completely naked.  The spots were not the pattern of the sheet. He explained that he and his wife were having sex when his “back went out.”

He was given x-rays, medicated, and discharged. We gave him a pair of pajama bottoms, because he’d arrived “au naturale” and a patient gown to wear home. He was to bring them back, but I doubt that he did. We probably doubled his wardrobe.

He and Dianna had hardly disappeared through the exit door, when she came rushing back into the emergency room, calling, “Where’s my sheet? Where’s my sheet? I need to put it back on the bed when we get home.”

The nurses looked at each other thinking the same thought. “Who would put that filthy thing back onto the bed?” We shrugged, gloved up, and dug through the dirty linen bag to find her sheet. We gave it back inside of a plastic bag.